Growing Up

How do you tell someone your ready to grow up. That your ready to take the next step into becoming the adult you want to be? How do you tell someone, when your actions haven't been loud enough to tell that person, that your ready? I mean, there are such things like, saying your ready and then really being ready! But when doing the right thing and proving yourself by your actions isn't enough to get you acknowledged, what is? Well personaly, I am ready to give up on trying to get noticed around this house! My sour attitude about this whole thing, just got tart!

My man.

My heart is always broken, my sex is tanted.
I have been used and wasted.
Repedidly thrown out the window.
But one to many times I have been crushed and sent to hell.
And with the power of hate and the drive to kill everyone in my path.
I have hurt myself, and only myself.
Alcohol, Drugs, everythnig bad.
They where my power, my leader, they drove me harder then anything has ever before.
For me, there still is no God.
No savior, no Heaven or Hell.
No peace.
I am just a lone, stranger to myself.
Now I rest my hands upon my heart waiting to be healed by anything that can save me.
Save me.
My man.

Nature

Today is the first day of my familys camping trip. I hope this one is better then the last. I am really looking forword to going to Silver Dollar City.

Sorry For The Wait.

I am sorry that I kept my "readers" waiting, because there are so many of you, I decided to make a blog-ologie. I have been in mourning, for the loss of Michael Jackson hit me hard. He was a hero, and a music icon. The Pop King. His soul and legacy will live on. The best wishes to his children and family members at this time.

Beside the usuall mourning, I have been busy creating something of a script intitled, 'The Feaver'. The script hasn't started yet, but the idea has popped into my head quite a few times. I listen to music of the African Jungle, nature, so far my insperation drives from the band Metisse. Fantastic music! I already have some of my dream cast members picked out, and the outline of my script. I hope to have this all up-and-running soon!


The Feaver:

A story of passion, desire, hate and lust drived from the deepths of the African Jungle. When an airplane full of vulenteers from the US, take the first plane to Africa to help with the latest outbreak of a strange illness. They find that the trip isn't as simple and inocent as it seemed.



My Dream Cast:

Locust- Jada Pinkett Smith.
Tunda- Djimon Hounsou.
(thats all I have so far).

Hate

Love is hard, no matter what anyone else says. I have had many a love, but hardly have I had the one guy who I could call "worthy" of my love. The kind of guy who will hold my hand while we walk. The kind of guy who would dance with me in the street when it rained. The kind of guy who isn't scared to be with a crazy person. I just wish that I could find that guy, now, not later. Everyone tells me that it will come in due time... But what if due time is to late? What if I give up, and give in to a guy who is less then worthy? What would I have done to my life? Would I have destroyed it? Or would I have simply made a big mistake? These are the questions that run through my head every day, nonstop! I stay up and I blog every night because if I don't, I lay in bed and bask in my ever drowning loneliness.
There is a song, the song of the night, that brings up a good point. That point, is one I agree with to the fullest.

Somebody tell me, why I'm on my own. If there is a soul mate, for everyone...

I know I am "to young" to find love, or so some say. But I don't believe any of that, at all... I feel that you are never to young or to old to find love, in anything! Love is a vast and crazy wilderness that contains many different things! Its a jungle waiting to be explored! Of course there will be snakes and bugs along the way, its a damn jungle! But it shouldn't be as hard as it is for me. I think if I had someone to love in my life, it would be a lot simpler. Not as much heartache, pain or sadness and hardly any suicidal thoughts.
I've been lonely for 15 years. Growing up with no brothers or sisters was a big thing when I was litter, and towards my middle ages 9-12. But now, I have gotten over being an only child, and now all I want is someone to hold me and love me. I gave up on having siblings when I was about 13, because before I had tried so many times to get my parents to look into adoption, and they did for about a week then stopped. So I've coped with the fact that I will never having siblings. But I will never cope with not having someone who cares, physically, and emotionally. I have to fight back crying every night because I am so lonely.
Well I guess I will find "him" one day. Hopefully...

"My Perfect Guy:

1: Sweet.

2: Kind.

3: Brainy.

4: Funny.

5: Cute (My definition).

6: Understanding.

7: Pervy.

8: Troubled.

9: Must Love Music.

20: Affectionate."

Song:

Soulmate- Natasha Bedingfield.

My World...

I am not skinny. I am not rich. I am not perfect. But I want to be... Big boobs, skinny waist, nice ass... All the clothes in the world would fit me, all the jewls would be in my little box, and all the men would flock to my door. My world would be painted all different colors. The sky would be hot pink, the grass would be bright purple, the clouds would be lime green, and all the plants would be gold, blue, orange and red. The flowers would be dark purple, yellow, and translusent. My wordrobe would only contain big taffida dress, like the ones back in the day. I would wake up everymorning birght and early, and a lovely little make-up girl would rush over to me and apply my make for the day.
As I began to start my day, servents would proceed to follow and do things for me; putting on my socks and shoes, pulling my dress over me, fixing my hair, handing me my cell phone, my purse, and my wond. I would be carried from my bed room door to the kitchen in a lavish bufant black bed, by handsome men waring tights and tutus (all men must wear). Someone would pull out my chair and push me to the table. A cheif would cook for me, every morning, an omlet, tufo baccon, a big glass of chocolate milk (shaken not stured) and chocolate chip pancakes; and a girl waring a box for a skirt and a box for a top (all girls must wear) would place a neon colored twisty straw in my glass.
I would ride my custom bike (a black banana seat, long handle bars and black and purple bubbles painted all over it) around my giant house. Servents would pull open the doors every time I needed to go outside and I would be followed by my make-up girl, my hair girl, and my other servents. When I got off my bike two servents would pick it up and carry it off. My flower girl would pick only the prettist flowers and put them in a buque for me. Every time I would sit down, boys would run to me and hand me lovely gifts. Jewls, money, puppies, kittens, anything I wanted. I would have a pro sniper to shoot off the ones who got to close (paint ball sniper). I would have the biggest art gallery in the world and everyone would come to see my art.
At night I would ride my bike around the park and wait for the lights to shimmer on. The big fountin would magicly come to life raining down a beautfil bright blue water that you could see through the night sky. I would be carried to the bed infront of the fountin, and be put on display fir the people to enjoy. Then I would be picked up and carried by my servent men to my home. They would carry me up the twisty stairs and to my bed room door where my servent girl would open it and then bow to me. My make-up girl would proceed to take off all my make up and another servent would run a bath for me in my victorian tub. My dress would be taken off as well as my shoes and socks. I would get into the tub and be washed by my servents. I would stand and be dried off while my bed was being warmed. My toes would be painted and pedicured, as well as my nails. Before I would lay my head on my pillow it would be fluffed, and I would be covered up by my servent girl who would then hand me my stuffed bear.
Then, the night sky would turn a beautfil dark blue and the stars would be neon rainbow colors, and the moon was always cresent and rainbow. And sometimes, if I wished... I could travel to the moon to sit on its edge at night, and watch my world at work.



Song:
The Fear- Lily Allen.

Fuel.

Art. Music. Laughter. Romance. The fight to go on and try and live every day to its fullist. Those are the things that fuel me everyday to put my feet on the floor when I get out of bed. But there is always the chance that my day wont go so well, and I might make a few mistakes. That, is my biggest flaw. Making mistakes, and many of them, is what really upsets me. I resently read a book called, 'The Secret'; this book was the most aggrivating, reasuring thing I have ever read. A councler at school turned me on to the novel, and I've been thinking about its meaning ever since. This book chalanged all the things I thought motivated me, and everything I thought inpowered me. It tilted my universe, so to speak. So next time your bord, or looking for something to do think, what fuels me?





Song:
Astro Zombies- The Misfits.